On My Perceived Stupidity, Or Why You Can Define My Experience For Me
One thing still gets me. I’m a smart cookie. I can form sentences and do math. I’m capable of reasoning. My professors thought I was worthy (or they were simply incredibly generous, benevolent, and dishonest in their assessments of my abilities).
No matter. I’ve experienced The Incest, The Workplace Harassment, and Other Innumerable Daily Indignities. Therefore, feel free to write me off as a bumbling dolt who has not anticipated or attempted all of your helpful suggestions! You’re being helpful! I should be happy to have people like you around!
Yeah. Especially when you ask me, “Why did you wait so long to say something about The Harassment?”
Because I knew you’d ask stupid questions like this.
*cough*Not-to-mention-the-inevitable-victim-blaming-and-unfair-sexualization-via-voyeuristic-inqueries-into-my-past-and-other-things-that-have-nothing-to-do-with-this-situation-and-allegations-that-I-just-want-”attention”-or-am-just-crazy-and-not-to-be-listened-to-because-IT-DIDN’T-ACTUALLY-HAPPEN-YOU-LIAR*cough*
YOU HAVE NO “PROOF”! Yeah. I don’t. I knew that when this happened in front of all my co-workers and they stood by and did nothing. If they wouldn’t stick up for me then, they won’t now, that’s for damn sure. No matter how much they share my hatred for my boss (for very different reasons, he’s an all around schmuck).
I keep careful watch over the world, constantly testing the waters for how people like YOU will react to my disclosure. I was not born yesterday, and I’ve taken careful notes. Whether or not I get justice, closure, and any kind of satisfaction is dependent upon YOU, the person who is in control of the situation. And yes, I anticipated you saying, “Well, since you waited so long, there’s nothing I can do.”
So why was I stupid enough to bring it up anyway? Yes, I feared the worst, but hoped it might be different this time. You know, a “Say it aint so” kind of mentality. So call me naive for even trying – but don’t assume this is my first brush with assholes who couldn’t give a shit about the right thing.
I also brought it up because the irony became too much for me to take. I couldn’t handle him being a pervert towards me and then talking about what he’d do to someone who molested his hypothetical, nonexistent daughter in the same thought. That’s an example of the universe laughing at you, right there.
If you ask these kinds of questions, you clearly have never been in my shoes, and never will be. You’re a man. A man who has never been subject to unwanted sexual attention from your bosses, teachers, family members… A man who has never wanted to just be left alone to go to school, go to work, live at home without looming danger. A man who has never affixed a target to his chest just by waking and walking out the door. Good for you. Your privilege is showing, you dumb bastard.
You also take me for an idiot when you think that acting as though The Incest never happened at family gatherings erases what happened. Your pathetic attempt to maintain some kind of relationship with me outside of you putting your dirty hands all over me and threatening me into silence is just fucking insulting. I know what you did. I was there, dumbass. Don’t think this changes anything – it just makes it very poignant, how “normal” this all is.
“What’s my schedule for today, as a molesting son of a bitch? Hmmmm, have breakfast, watch some TV, play on the computer, get a boner, decide to molest my sister, drag her into my room, tell her it’s her fault, call her a whore, wash hands, watch some TV, do homework, have dinner, watch a movie with my parents, make some small talk about school, feed the fish… then go to sleep.”
Imagine that. You insult me by behaving it can ever be like it was before. It will never be the same. The day you started consuming me with your eyes, your hands, your penis… you destroyed your relationship with your sister. Sucks for you. If you didn’t threaten me to stay quiet, shame me into being complacent, were not my brother… you’d have to actually answer for what you did. I was very merciful, because you made me choose between justice and holding my family together.
You got some comfy digs, being immune to justice, action, and retribution because of your station. I hope your throne in Hell has the same amount of cushions, you fucking jerkoff.
I seriously need to write a guide: “What to do when you’re in trouble and nobody around you gives a shit: A primer on irony”. Shit happens, those out to protect you can’t be bothered, and you need somewhere to turn, and snappy answers for those fucking stupid questions.
I’m not an idiot, you just never opened your eyes. Yes, you’re somehow making that MY problem. Fuck you.
